So, we were saying, there are actually five kinds of people in bed, not four as I initially thought. A friend of mine reminded me of a fifth typology, that I nicknamed “The Germans” (pls see comments to my previous post, if you need any explanations).
To be fair, another guy pointed out that there is also a sixth kind of people in bed, that I would call the “Should I stay or should I go?” ones. It refers to those people who play very hard to be convinced, and that even when the action has started, are not fully convinced, and keep stopping your hand, or turning away their face, or moving you away, but don’t actually get out from the bed, or start putting their clothes back on. To be honest, I’ve never met a man belonging to this group, so it might be a gender specific variety, and I can easily picture some women listening to all sorts of inner voices in that moment.
Anyway, let’s move on to today’s post, shall we? As I said, I would classify myself as a representative of the “religious” group, and yet my religiosity is clearly not strong enough, given that I got SHOCKED at reading what the Archbishop of Granada, Francisco Javier Martínez, said during a Mass a few weeks ago. In his sermon, he invited women to perform oral sex to their husbands whenever they ask for it, saying that “Giving oral sex to your husband is not a sin if you do it thinking of Jesus”. http://www.liberoquotidiano.it/news/esteri/11568848/L-arcivescovo-di-Granada–.html
This is clearly one of the “Ah, ecco” moments, that I’m not really sure how to translate in English, though I’ve long thought about it. I’ve even asked my friend L. how she would translate it, but like me she doesn’t think there is any English expressions that fully carries the same poignancy. Maybe: “Oh, right”. Or: “Ah, I see”. Yeeeeeeeeeeeees, but not quite there.
Let me give you some examples of an “Ah, ecco” moment. It’s the moment this gorgeous guy is looking at you, you exchange some smiles and glances, you give him a hint with all your body language to come and talk to you… and his boyfriend comes back from the toilet. Ah, ecco.
Or the moment you are walking in a street in Jaipur, admiring the colours of the sahri the woman in front of you is wearing, when she crouches down and shits, just like that, on the street. Ah, ecco.
Or it can be the moment you are on a bus, looking at this mother with her cute little son, no older than 5-6 years old, with huge blue eyes and blond curls. You get lost in all your thoughts of motherhood while the automatic voice announces: “The destination of this bus has changed”, and the little boy shouts loudly: “Fuck you, driver!”. Ah, ecco.
“Ah, ecco”: things are clearly not as they seemed, I was not expecting that, I try to be cool even if this thing has slightly shocked me, but I am a woman who has travelled the world (alone) and I am not losing my aplomb over this. All this, and much more, in those two short words.
So: “Giving oral sex to your husband is not a sin if you do it thinking of Jesus”. Now all of you, say it with me: “Ah, ecco”.
I don’t even know where to start from. Maybe from… Since when giving oral sex to your husband is a sin? I thought that once we are in the holy territory of a marriage, everything was permitted, but I must have clearly missed some lessons at the Catechism. Oh, religions can take so much fun away from life! I can’t even imagine what happens if you do anal sex with your husband. Burning forever in hell? Maybe not, if when you do it you are thinking of Jesus multiplying the fish and the breads.
To me, the mere idea of thinking of Jesus while having sex in general is just borderline blasphemous. Am, I the only one to think this way? Also, how should women think of Jesus? When he is preaching? When he is praying under the olive tree? For sure, I can think of very few things that are less sexually arousing than the image of Jesus on the cross.
Finally, does the opposite work for husbands? The Archbishop says nothing about husbands giving oral sex to their wives, so I’ll step in his clerical robe, get on that pulpit and reassure you all: do not be afraid, I am sure that you are not sinning if when you do it you are thinking of the Holy Mary.
And now, my dear brothers and sisters, the Mass is over, go in peace. May Jesus be with you, especially in your bedroom.