The “There are X kinds of people…” statements always make me smile, as they are generally meant to be funny. I loved this one, in particular, that was strangely printed on the menu of a cosy, dark cocktail bar hidden in a basement in Hoxton Square.
I rarely find them truthful, though (Don’t get me wrong: I agree with this one. Just out of curiosity, which group do you belong to?). I mean, to be able to group the world population into 2, 3, 4 subgroups you must have met a hell lot of people. Or you must have a super memory and in two seconds remember all those who have crossed your path or how they have behaved. It’s the same reason for which I never say things like: “This is the best ice cream I’ve ever eaten!” or “In that bar they make the best coffee in London”. I certainly don’t remember what ice cream I ate at Caorle beach back in June 1985, and I have not been in all the bars in London. Without being aware, I might end up saying something false, and I only lie consciously.
Today, however, I’d like to make one of this bold statements, though in Roby’s style it would be: “In my personal experience, based on the people I’ve met, how I am and on what my friends have told me about their encounters, I can say that there are four kinds of people in bed”. Here’s my personal classification:
- The “Is s/he alive?” ones. They don’t make any noise, even when there is no reason to be that quiet. Even when you are doing it on a deserted beach of a tropical island (messy for the sand, but very scenic), or when you are doing it in a London flatshare and all the flatmates are away (less idyllic, but more likely to happen). These people might be too focused on the effort and don’t wanna lose the concentration, or they might be lost in their thoughts, or again can be so romantically involved while making love to you that they feel each word would be superfluous. For whatever reason, they remain silent until the end, where they might just announce, in a matter of fact and often dry way: “I’m coming”. The hardcore ones might even avoid uttering these three words and just sigh.
I personally find them a bit uncomfortable to deal with. Every performance needs a feedback, right? The more silent he keeps, the more questions pop up in my head. Is he enjoying it? Why doesn’t he say anything? Am I doing something wrong? Sometimes I even get to extreme thoughts, like: Am I hurting him? Oh, my God, is he alive??? I already think too much in all the other situations of my life, thankyouverymuch, I don’t need to get extra questions in my mind.
- On the opposite side of this spectrum, the “Oh, man, shut up for a second pls!” ones. Have you ever met one of these people? They just can’t stop talking. They pour over you a relentless flood of words, while the topic depends on how much you know them. If you have met them only recently, they will probably go on repeating how beautiful you are, how lucky they are to have been in that club/restaurant/meetup event that night and have met you, how much they like that part of your body or when you do that specific thing. The more you get to know them, however, the more they can stretch to other subjects. Some of them will stay on the above topics (which probably turn them on and keep them focused), but others will start including in their sex talk all sorts of topics, sometimes to disastrous extents, like about their working day, their to-do list that awaits them the day after, and so on.
Though I’m all up for words and conversation, I can find them a bit distracting. However, I reckon that the choice of words, the voice and of course the topic is what ultimately determines whether their overtalking is a good or a bad thing. Telling me about your asshole of a boss, or how next week you will be busy with this and that? No, thanks. Expressing once more in a husky voice your appreciation of my legs? Much better, go on, tell me more. Oh, by the way, Have you seen my ass? (Said, of course, in Samantha’s voice).
IN MEDIO STAT VIRTUS, so between these two extremes we have those who talk the right amount to make you feel good. Here again, though, I would distinguish two groups.
- The cheerleaders. You know them, I’m sure. They are the ones that enthusiastically support and encourage you. It would be interesting to know if people in “caring” professions, like teachers, or nurses, necessarily belong to this group in bed. They are soft spoken and caring at the beginning: “Oh, yes”,“I like this”, “That’s how I like it, good girl/boy”. When things get going, however, the cheerleading can get more and more excited: “Yes, yes, go on! Keep doing it! Give it to me, baby! Yes, yes! Almost there!” They don’t necessarily do a small dance once they come, but they might laugh out loud, scream or in general voice their happiness (“Fuck me! That was awesome!”, for example.)
…. Who doesn’t like a cheerleader? I certainly do, and they give a new meaning to the expression “team effort”.
- Finally, the religious ones. Independently on their actual belief, they intersperse the sexual encounter with comments of a religious nature, generally on the Christian side: “Oh, my God!! Oh, Jesus!”. Variations on this can be: “Oh, Gee! (which clearly stands for Jesus) And “Holy fuck!” (still retaining a religious element to it). I said these comments are generally on the Christian side, even when people are of a different religion. They can be Muslim, but still invoke Jesus in the heat of the moment. Actually, I once said “Praise be to Allah” after engaging with a Muslim guy, and got scolded as you are not supposed to mention His name in such a situation. Kill me, then.
Pls note: If someone comments: “You are my cow”,”You are such a cow!” I don’t necessarily think they can be inserted into this group. I doubt they are referring to Hinduism.
You can find these kind of people across many nationalities. Italians would say: “Oh, mio Dio! Cristo! Signore, aiuto!”, while Portuguese would say: “Nossa!” (which is the short for invoking the Virgin Mary’s presence).
I like these people. It’s clear the whole encounter is transporting them to a higher level. I actually belong to this group. I have no problems in admitting that sometimes my religiosity has got to such an extent that after climaxing I started singing, and the first song that CAME to my mind was the church song “Alleluja, o mio signore! Alleluja, o Dio del ciel…”
As I said, this is what I can say in my limited experience. Have you come across another kind of people in bed? If so, let me know!
And you, which group do you belong to? Come on, you can tell it me to me, I won’t tell anyone else! Promise 😉