WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

After a great night and a beautiful day spent with a girl, a guy would probably end it with a few beers and, if he feels active, would play some Playstation games with his mates.
After that same great night and a beautiful day spent with a guy, the girl goes home… AND CRIES.
Welcome to my world.

I spent a very nice Friday night with P, a guy who dresses like a lumberjack and who, if cutting a tree, would probably scream “Tinder!” rather than “Timber”, as that’s where I met him only a month ago. We were in London at the same time only 2 weeks out of a month, and in those two weeks we’ve seen each other 7 times already. Intense, you might say, and I know a lot about intensity, so, yes, I agree, intense even by my standards. It’s just that we have immediately clicked and feel so good together…. Why not meeting up whenever you can? But I’ve learnt to play it cool, not texting him too much when I was away, letting him contact me first on several occasions… All this bullshit that yet seems to play an important role in this confusing and mind boggling game of dating.

We had a great night at the Jongleurs comedy club in Camden, and on the way back to his place P thought that the tube was the right place to come up with his “I-don’t-wanna-put-any-labels-to-this” speech. (BTW, who knows how many love stories began and ended in the tube…Oh, if the Piccadilly Line could talk!).
“ I really like you, your personality, I enjoy spending time with you and I already know I wanna see you for the next month, in two months, in six months, as I like the fact that you know my story, and I know yours…”
And in my mind there was a huge BUT about to pop up…
“BUT at the moment I am thinking to settle in my job, I am new to London, I just don’t wanna give any labels to this”.
My heart beat had started to go faster, I felt my cheeks becoming red, but I managed to keep a straight face, while inside I could hear my heart crumbling into little pieces,  and in my mind Freddie Mercury was singing “ Inside my heart is breaking, my make up may be flaking but my smile still stays on”. And even with all this inner turmoil I managed to REASSURE him: “Don’t worry, no stress, I’m not looking for labels either, for the time being I just want to get to know you better.” (bloody liar, especially with that “just”).

We spent the whole of Saturday morning cleaning his room, doing some gardening, adding some touches to make the house look sweeter and more homely, and never has cleaning given me so much satisfaction… It was the first time I did something so… So couply, with a guy. Changing a room and a garden so that it answers more to the tastes of both. And I’ve only known him for two weeks. And we both felt so good doing it.

So, all nice, sweet, tender, heart-warming…
I arrive home, and the dam opens up. A huge flood of tears, out of nowhere. WHERE ARE THESE TEARS COMING FROM?
The great thing about my mood swings, besides making my days not boring at all, is that sometimes they surprise even myself.
I cry because the thing I have been waiting for so long, and wanting so much, is happening, and of course is once more with someone that for whatever reason is not ready to have me in his life. I cry because I can see it so clearly: me, trying to apply the mindfulness principles and enjoy the present, only to have this feeling for him grow inside me… Then, in 3-4 months’ time, when I think I have been patient enough, and we know enough of each other to realise we have someone special in front of us, I would come up with the speech “So… what exactly are we?” And I can hear him saying: “As I told you months ago, I don’t wanna put labels to it”. Needless to picture the rest: tears, disappointment, depression, the feeling that I never learn my lesson and that once more I have wasted my time.
Shall I stop it right now then, for fear of more heartache (I personally think I have had enough to last me until 2031)? Should I choose to spend my time only with someone who can guarantee commitment from day one? Or shall I trust my hope that things could change in his mind, that nothing is set in stone? Or should I “simply” try to find the balance between loving as a 20-year old, keeping in mind what I’ve learnt in my 30s?

I am doomed. My nature is the answer. I mentioned earlier on that I know something about intensity, and that’s how I’ve decided to walk around in my life. With a big basket in my arms, in order to catch whatever is falling from the sky. It can be flowers’ petals brought by the wind, ripe fruits falling from their branches, some rain drops, a boomerang, a colourful ball that a child threw too far.. . But also birds’ shit, hail and even wreckages of an airplane that exploded up in the air.
When you walk around with such a big basket, you know you are gonna catch all sorts of things, good and bad. But you also know it will generally contain something, and that you will have some stories to tell. Plus, another of my life philosophies is: what’s the point of living, if not to experience and express love?
And so maybe those tears of mine are more because I feel like I am about to embark on an amazing journey, that I am so excited about, which will quite likely end up badly, but which will leave me with some really beautiful moments to remember. While I contemplate whether it is still worth taking this journey, I realise that I’m standing on the prow, the ship has already sailed, and I am holding the ticket in my hand (Can you read “Titanic” on the side?)

Deep down there is a small part of me that hopes to find out he likes to beat up the elderly, or that every morning he wakes up and kills sparrows with a sling… Something that would make me disgusted or lose interest, so that I would actually be the one wanting to end it.

Recap: I’m falling in love with a guy and I kind of hope to discover he is a Labrador rapist. As I said, welcome to my world, where all this makes perfect sense.

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